Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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