My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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