There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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