Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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