The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
