I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Im part way to drunk.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
