I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
