where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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