my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Don't tell me you're on acid again
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
