Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
