i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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