who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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