Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
