i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I did not marry a roomba.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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