Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Hello my rib-scented angel!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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