my mouth tastes like poor choices
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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