The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
