i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
