My room smells like vodka and shame
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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