I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The beers last night were like the tears from god
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
