My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
