A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
