where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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