Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
