I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
