I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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