Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Well I just put wine in my tea
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
