I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
