am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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