I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
