Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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