the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
