what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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