I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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