Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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