I think I won the penis lottery.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
