Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
