How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
