when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
