2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
