Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just want to make out with him forever
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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