I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
