she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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