yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
