I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
