there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
