you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
