I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
