you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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