I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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