dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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